This post is in response to a request from a reader. If you have something you would like me to write about let me know and I?ll see what I have to say, Evan.
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There are many things we are meant to know how to do but that we have never been taught.
- All through my schooling I was told to study but never (NOT ONCE) shown how.
- People are advised to ?get over? and ?move on? from a failed relationship but never shown how.
Another thing that we are meant to know how to do but have never been shown how is to make friends. So here are my ideas based on my experience.
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Dif?rent Strokes
I?m an introvert. I like a few ?deep? relationships. If I could live with a group of friends on a mountaintop somewhere ? well, show me the way to the mountaintop.
If you are an extravert you may like lots of relationships. Probably most of these won?t be able to be as ?deep? as I prefer (though some may be ? it depends a lot on how much time you put in).
Some people love lots of quick hello?s, others find it draining. Some like ?deep and meaningful? a lot others find it exhausting.
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It?s a Need
Physical touch and personal recognition are needed for our health. It is worth finding ways to set aside time to build friendships. If you don?t set aside time you will likely end up feeling lonely and miserable at some stage.
I worked in a nursing home (?aged care facility?). At the end of life what people care about is the current quality of their relationships and how they did in their past relationships. Achievements aren?t what matters.
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Common Tasks
Most of my friendships have been started by a task. The introduction to the others has been through a shared project or task ? in my case usually spirituality or social change.
If you are shy like me, this makes it easier. You have a reason to be in the group; which can help reduce your self-consciousness. And it isn?t like a party where you have to make ?light and witty conversation? ? I don?t think I could do this if my life depended on it (and feeling that I had to do it wouldn?t help).
As I?ve worked with others I?ve got to know them. Asked them how they are, listened to the answers, gradually asked wider questions (other interests they have and so on).
Most of my friendships have built out from a task in this way. (Yes, I?m a WASP male; how did you guess?)
This means putting in work on the project as well as building friendships. So it can be time and energy consuming.
So you can start to make friends by joining a group doing something you are interested in.
Sharing common tasks or going through a common experience can build a friendship too. It doesn?t need to be through talking. For instance, you may well feel a bond with those who you knew at school though you have little in common with them now. Or those who you fought for a cause with even though you are very different people.
A note: pay attention to what the group does not what they say they are about. The least friendly groups I have been part of have been the groups dedicated to promoting community and having the agenda of promoting community life among themselves as well. (And they didn?t like me telling them they were unfriendly either ? despite all the rhetoric about openness and honesty.)
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Listening and Asking
Listening
Listening means not only paying attention to the content of what is being said (we can all see what the weather is like) but also to any underlying feelings.
Those opening statements about the weather and such are ways of creating a common world ? so they are about things that are readily agreed. Then we gradually expand the size of this common world. Into talking about current perhaps or people we both know or tasks we both share.
At the beginning when building our shared world we avoid conflict ? and topics of conversation that are common sources of conflict ? politics, religion and (in some places) sports teams.
Gradually you build up a common world where you feel safe enough to share your emotions. And gradually share deeper emotions and more of what is important to you. If you have been abused by those close to you then you may not get to this stage without some seriously strong support. Others will find this easy to do (they usually have lots of friends).
The skill in listening is being sensitive to this process. At the beginning agreeing with what is said (yes, it is fine weather and so on) and then perhaps disclosing a little about how you feel (I love fine/grey/windy weather) or remarking tentatively on how the other person feels (you seem to really love this sunny weather).
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Asking
The complement to listening is asking.
As our common world expands we ask questions. Here too we start out with safe, innocuous questions. (Fine thanks; how are you?)
Sometimes we can move to a little more exploration fairly quickly (yes, you look really happy; or; you do look a bit down today).
Gradually the common world expands so that we can ask wider and deeper questions.
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Measuring Friendships
If you want to have more and better friendships then I have a couple of measures that you can use.
Quantity is pretty easy. You can total up the number of people you meet outside formal roles (shop assistant, receptionist and so on) in a given time period (a week or a month).
Quality can be trickier. On this I have a couple of ideas.
1. The strength of a relationship is measured by the seriousness of the disagreement that it can withstand. A disagreement about politics can end some relationships and not be a problem with others.
2. A way to measure depth is in terms of Transactional Analysis Time Structuring.
This is a categorisation of how we spend our time ? it moves along a scale of intimacy:
from withdrawal to rituals to pastimes to activities to games and rackets to intimacy.
- Withdrawal means withdrawing from relationship
- Rituals are routinised greetings and brief exchanges.
- Pastimes are things we do just to fill in time.
- Activities are doing directed to a specific purpose.
- Games and rackets are fixed patterns in relationships. Those times when you know what is coming next ? and it won?t be joyful.
- Intimacy is genuine contact with the here and now reality of yourself and the other person.
You can use this as something of a measure of your friendships.
A warning. The temptation is to see intimacy as good and the rest as lesser. This is true in one way but dangerous in another. If you cultivate only your intimate relationships you will eventually restrict yourself to a smaller and smaller circle. We probably need to have all these ways of structuring time in our lives (with the exception of games and rackets perhaps). In this way we can have friendships beginning and deepening all the time.
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These are my thoughts on developing friendships and how it has happened for me. What has worked for you? Let me know in the comments.
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I'm Evan Hadkins. To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto. It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don?t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
Related posts:
- Wellbeing and Our Friends: happiness, health and long life.
- Some Friends of Mine
Source: http://www.livingauthentically.org/2012/09/how-to-make-friends/
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